31 for 21: Parenting Complexities...

Forgive me if today's post is a collage of links...but I see no reason to reinvent the wheel...I am more than happy to nod to others' moments of brilliance and the richness of their stories...It's not because I have nothing to say, as much as it is a demonstration of something, so stay with me:

I actually started this blog to offer yet another perspective on parenting that, at the time, I felt was somewhat unique.  And the truth is, parenting is always a unique perspective, knit into a few key truths...

Here was my original jumping off place:
http://tiffanyselephants.blogspot.com/2010/02/truth-of-parenting.html

A friend posted this link (not hers) and asked for thoughts yesterday:
http://downsyndromeuprising.blogspot.ca/2013/07/picking-rocks.html?m=1

I feel like this is one of those posts where every single option is the "wrong one"...and yet they all have validity as the "right one", too!  As I have said (HERE and HERE) I am wrestling with the fact that at some point you have to quit over-thinking and live your life and parent as best you can...for your particular child, typical AND non.  Another friend called the Picking Rocks post a "painful read," and I would absolutely concur.  I feel that there is certainly as much, I would even  go so far as to say more, judgement in the special needs parenting arena as there is in pregnancy or "typical" parenting.  But just as in the same manner, there are 30-eleven ways to do it *right*.  The judgement comes thick and fast, stemming, from I believe, an innate just-shy-of-the-surface panic that you ARE failing your kid, because you feel every square inch of being human and being *not perfect*. 

As a parent, you have to make the parenting calls you can live with.  You have to do your homework, but your life holds a grouping of unique factors that can never fit into a blanket generic fix.  These unique factors are called PEOPLE.  The parents are people.  The children you are seeking to raise are people.  The community in which you are located are people.  The teachers and peers in your child's impact circles are people.  And as people, they all leave their own mark, have their own stories and failings, and have their own needs. 

Consider this post that a friend is wrestling with:
http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2013/10/is-it-really-inclusion.html

And this heart-wrenching and yet, terribly honest and dare I say common perspective?  (In the feelings and the paths they can so very easily take)
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/2013/10/issy-and-kelli-stapleton-murder-suicide-and-family.html/

And, while I'm at it, let's bring in the ever popular/infamous proverb:  "It takes a village to raise a child."  I'm not going to debate it, I am just going to say there is a lot more to parenting than a recipe to the perfect kid.  There are more flow charts and scaffoldings of ideas and consequences in raising a child than a library can hold.  BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE WAY.

Parenting is a hard job.  You have your own baggage and your own hopes.  You have your child's strengths and weaknesses, abilities and inabilities.  You have hope and desperation. 

Ultimately, you have a child that you love, that you need to raise...and you have to do the best you can...and pray that it's enough for that precious life you would give yours for.

Militant...Maybe...

I was accused today of being militant for my child's rights in the school system. This was, interestingly, after their rights had been seriously and legally encroached on.

Maybe I am hyper-aggressive for my child's rights. Maybe it's for good reason. "My name is Tiffany, I am a former teacher...it's been 6 years since my last job..." No, just kidding, but sometimes it's as good an excuse as any to see monsters in the shadows.

I was actually an inclusion teacher, to boot. I have seen teachers bump parents into "suggesting" options for their child, that they came in 180 degrees from wanting. I have seen teachers leverage with fear so they don't actually SAY that they don't want a certain kid in certain places, but they were, I assure you, in charge of the direction that a meeting went in. I admit, that I have actually done it myself. I am confident when I say that I never did it without the child's best interest in mind, but I have seen teachers do it for less than noble reasons, too.

Please excuse me if I go in to every single IEP (Individualized Education Plan) IN my fighting stance. I have seen the worst. I have been in the teacher's place. I have been in the parents' place. I have had teachers try to bump me from my plans to insist on the least restrictive environment for my child. I have had fear put to leverage on me. I have almost tabled several meetings. It is my right to stop a meeting when it is not going in the direction that I want...so that I can regroup and come back with proof, with an advocate, or with an advisor.

I have been pleasantly surprised with Elise's new school. I have not had to fight for most of the things that I wanted...that I had to fight for tooth-and-nail for in other settings. I cannot tell you how disconcerting it is to have had things handed to me on a silver platter that I had to throw my weight around for in the past. It is a change I certainly welcome.

Although right now I am having an easy moment, do not think that I have relaxed my vigilance. Do not think that I will ever allow the IDEA to be breached while I am on the lookout. I know that it is a human desire to use the EASY button in life...and I know that educators are equally inclined to use it!

If you are a teacher, please understand that it is not YOU I am fighting. Please know that I respect you. Please understand that YOU handle children's opportunities, and your decisions that you make while you are craving an easy year, will have far-reaching effects on these students' futures.

If you are a parent, I beg you, please keep the paranoia. PLEASE read the million page packet of parental rights you are offered at every meeting. Keep at least one, and READ THE DARN THING FROM FRONT TO BACK AT LEAST ONCE!!!! Please, you are the guardian of your precious child's destiny, do not allow one [lazy, selfish, tired, harried, mean-spirited, people-pleasing...you pick one] person sacrifice future options. I mean it. An open future is the biggest gift that you can give your child, special or typical.

Thanks for listening to me rant, but please understand that this militant, freaky, passionate, paranoid tirade is based in wanting and demanding the best, from all the parties involved. Honest.