Happy 2013!
I'm sorry, I took an inadvertant bloggy hiatus... The holidays were sweet and bumpy and memory filled and busy.
And since then, well, there has been a little detoxing from the holidays going on, but I believe that I'm back now...
Updating: Elise has been a lot more even-keeled as far as her ADHD ups and downs... I even opted out of her meds for a little bit between Christmas and school starting back, and it was really not bad at all! I like to think that our general eating health has had and impact and that Elise is growing up and maturing is making an impact. I am not a giant fan of medication, except as a necessary fix of something, and so I have held on to the hope that we could pass through this as a stage....and our medication vacation offers this hope as something that may happen sooner than I had even hoped.
Speaking of medication, post her most recent AFLAC visit, we got a more stable Thyroid than we have in a while, but also that her cholesterol is skyrocketing...and will undoubtedly require intervention, medical or more naturally...but diet and exercise is not fixing it, at all, no matter how drastically we have attempted to wrestle it into submission. Also, due to a chemical battery, we have discovered that her abrupt need to lick all things metal is entirely sensory and not at all pica triggered by low metal levels (magnesium, iron, etc). And she is still Cancer Free, which is always worthy of a party!!
I am activily filling out the paperwork for her talk box, and I hope to have a time frame as soon as possible for you (and us!) when that is complete.
And, amazingly, we've been quite illness free so far this winter!! Elise has had to dig out the inhalers for croup only twice, and it was completely controlled by them! We've not had to load up on the prednisone!
Thanks to Elise's disabilities and sensory issues, we realized with a shock this fall, that Amelia at 6 cannot ride a bike or swim...and we were horrified. So, she got a bike for Christmas and we are pursuing bike options for Elise. Also, we signed her up for swim lessons. Despite my history as a swimming instructor, between Elise and Charlotte taking turns flipping out at the pool, Amelia didn't get the support she needed. The swimming lessons have given her confidence and she can already swim and has graduated up to the next level. She's gone from not swimming at all in October, to swimming the length of the pool on her own. During her swimming lessons, Elise and Charlotte have gotten the opportunity to work through some of their sensory/pool issues in the shallow end/beach entry. It has been a surprisingly impactful 45 minutes (2x a week) on all 3 of them. And they all sleep very hard on those nights! :)
The funny and interesting thing that I've discovered thanks to the swimming lessons, is that white folks don't go to late swimming lessons. I mean at all. We have opted for swimming classes that start after 6:30pm. And we are the minority. Like it's just us. Everyone else is Indian. My girls are VERY fair. They have varying shades of blonde hair, and snowy skin...like you can see their capillaries under their skin in the winter. And everyone else has "pretty skin" according to Charlotte...she's in heaven! (She adores skin in the chocolate and cinnamon hues!) Why do I even bring this up? Because I've also discovered that other than their penchant to swimming in the evening, they are remarkably accepting of Elise. As a group, they don't blink an eye at her oddities and immaturity. They play with her in the pool, they answer her questions, with virtually no askance at me. They smile and talk to her like to any other child. As I observed this with family after family and group after group when we had to change our swim times... I started thinking back over those of this ethnicity that we have had the pleasure of interacting with, (at the hospital, at the restaurants, at the mall) and I can say with confidence, that this is the rule, rather than the exception. Such that I even emailed and messaged a few friends that are Indian or who have married in, and asked them if there is a cultural or religious underpinning that could explain this? So far, I've come up empty on a complex explanation. The only consistent response that I got was, that Indians value respect very highly. That simple explanation has wow-ed me even more. Simple respect of a person has allowed a simple, across the board, acceptance. Please take notes. I know I am. This has, of course, spurred me to start observing more, culturally and in families, to see if this is a clear explanation for all those who accept lightly and love fully...and I am finding it to be a very consistant theme. I am intrigued by the cultural implications and find myself trying to observe more specifically...to try to tie the values and treasured qualities to personal interactions...and it is fascinating! (And please don't hesitate to weigh in on this!)
ANYWAY, 2013 is looking good for us. I hope it has been as good to you. And I hope that my random posting on this blog's Facebook page has allowed me forgiveness for my hiatus...and I promise to blog with more consistency from here on!
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Friday, November 30, 2012
Holidays. Or, as I like to call it, Combat Fatigue.
I was thinking, after several incidents over Thanksgiving, if we have ever had a holiday that has not imploded with stress, since having Elise...and I am not sure if we have...not that they have not been joyful and held with a strangle-hold, wresting the good memories out of them...but they have all been steeped with some variation on a theme of them not as they "should be"...
This has only escalated with Charlotte's food allergies. I had to make an entire Thanksgiving meal to bring with us that was Charlotte-safe. The days of bringing one or two items is completely past...
But, far greater than that inconvenience, as I overheard conversations in which my precious Elise was eviscerated, by family and family friends, I realized that all my fears were valid. The days when she was little and desperately cute, are past. Now she is big, and not cute enough to cover her different-ness. She cannot communicate with those not making the effort. And those are fewer with each passing year...
Now, we have the gaping problem that she is not a peer and they don't really want her to be. She reacts by trying to insert herself in the situation. They react by looking at her like she is a disgusting alien. She reacts by trying to "punish" them. Then all the parents try to protect their precious babies. And she is left to look like the Monster that Ate Tokyo. And she is still left out. And she is still angry and sad.
The truly tragic part of this, is that her sister is one of Them, now. The second that Amelia mixes with them, she tries to separate herself from Elise. Which makes Elise furious. I had to jerk a verbal knot in Amelia's tail when she initiated the verbal scorn, which the others were only too quick to join...and I had to pull Elise up short in her attempt to truly hurt Amelia physically for her choices...and Elise does not forget. If she cannot catch Amelia in the moment, she will bide her time and catch her in the kitchen for breakfast or in the car, as they sit next to each other.
And so, I spend the entire week before the holiday, worrying, and trying to trouble-shoot. I spend the week of, trying to protect and prevent. I spend the week after, trying to mediate and heal Amelia's injuries and Elise's heartbreak. And the week after that, dreading the next holiday get together.
I know it is a stage. I am sure that it will pass, but in the mean time it scorches my soul.
I cannot allow Amelia to behave in this manner. I cannot allow Elise to behave in this manner. I cannot allow them to be together to protect them both from each other. But I cannot fix this either. I have to pray and wait. And now I deal with what is feeling more and more like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or the even more telling "battle fatigue". I wake clenching my jaw, have nightmares, and am up 20 times a night, I revisit ulcers and esophageal spasms, and various other issues with stress.
If it crosses your mind, you can help ease my holiday stress syndrome. (And anyone who has kids with special needs!)
Do not automatically assume everything is Elise's fault. It really may not be. I know she hits. But I also know that it is not always her starting things. Kids are kids. I've seen several incidents, where someone sees the tale end of an altercation, and start in on Elise...and I watched the entire thing, trying to get over there to stop it...and it was NOT her.
Please talk to your kids before spending time with Elise, and ask them to try to understand her...remind them, that they can ask questions and repeat what they think she is saying, and see if she agrees. Remind them that they can ask her to come with them to me, and ask what she is saying....or even Amelia. Amelia likes the status in being a translator...and it forces a certain measure of bonding and support between them...which aids their relationship.
If you are an adult, you can become a rock star, by inviting Elise to sit with you, read to her for a few moments, tell you about her holidays, or admire her games. When she feels valued and special, her patience with other kids increases. We have a dear friend named Scott, who Elise is infatuated with, because he ALWAYS listens to her like she is the most fascinating person, ever. He talks to her and gets her crackers. He is an adult, but he never fails to make her feel loved...and she is always on her best behavior when he is around, because she wants to make him "happy". And he always tries to translate her for his kids....which makes them less afraid of her, and more accepting. But he also never hesitates to tell her "no" if she is pushing limits.
Oh, and DO NOT FEED kids without their parents' okay...Charlotte is allergic to everything...and these allergies make her mouth swell and spiral out of emotional control. The last thing any parent needs is their child weeping in the floor over toilet paper because you were being "helpful" and didn't take 30 seconds to make sure someone was allowed to eat something. And yes, the toilet paper incident really did happen a few weeks ago. I pulled off 3 squares instead of 4 or 5 and Charlotte had the queen of all nutty fits... I am having tags and a shirt printed up for this year's holiday parties!
And if I get distracted and short-tempered, please love me anyway. I swear I will be nicer after the kids are in bed...or at least after the New Year...
This has only escalated with Charlotte's food allergies. I had to make an entire Thanksgiving meal to bring with us that was Charlotte-safe. The days of bringing one or two items is completely past...
But, far greater than that inconvenience, as I overheard conversations in which my precious Elise was eviscerated, by family and family friends, I realized that all my fears were valid. The days when she was little and desperately cute, are past. Now she is big, and not cute enough to cover her different-ness. She cannot communicate with those not making the effort. And those are fewer with each passing year...
Now, we have the gaping problem that she is not a peer and they don't really want her to be. She reacts by trying to insert herself in the situation. They react by looking at her like she is a disgusting alien. She reacts by trying to "punish" them. Then all the parents try to protect their precious babies. And she is left to look like the Monster that Ate Tokyo. And she is still left out. And she is still angry and sad.
The truly tragic part of this, is that her sister is one of Them, now. The second that Amelia mixes with them, she tries to separate herself from Elise. Which makes Elise furious. I had to jerk a verbal knot in Amelia's tail when she initiated the verbal scorn, which the others were only too quick to join...and I had to pull Elise up short in her attempt to truly hurt Amelia physically for her choices...and Elise does not forget. If she cannot catch Amelia in the moment, she will bide her time and catch her in the kitchen for breakfast or in the car, as they sit next to each other.
And so, I spend the entire week before the holiday, worrying, and trying to trouble-shoot. I spend the week of, trying to protect and prevent. I spend the week after, trying to mediate and heal Amelia's injuries and Elise's heartbreak. And the week after that, dreading the next holiday get together.
I know it is a stage. I am sure that it will pass, but in the mean time it scorches my soul.
I cannot allow Amelia to behave in this manner. I cannot allow Elise to behave in this manner. I cannot allow them to be together to protect them both from each other. But I cannot fix this either. I have to pray and wait. And now I deal with what is feeling more and more like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or the even more telling "battle fatigue". I wake clenching my jaw, have nightmares, and am up 20 times a night, I revisit ulcers and esophageal spasms, and various other issues with stress.
If it crosses your mind, you can help ease my holiday stress syndrome. (And anyone who has kids with special needs!)
Do not automatically assume everything is Elise's fault. It really may not be. I know she hits. But I also know that it is not always her starting things. Kids are kids. I've seen several incidents, where someone sees the tale end of an altercation, and start in on Elise...and I watched the entire thing, trying to get over there to stop it...and it was NOT her.
Please talk to your kids before spending time with Elise, and ask them to try to understand her...remind them, that they can ask questions and repeat what they think she is saying, and see if she agrees. Remind them that they can ask her to come with them to me, and ask what she is saying....or even Amelia. Amelia likes the status in being a translator...and it forces a certain measure of bonding and support between them...which aids their relationship.
If you are an adult, you can become a rock star, by inviting Elise to sit with you, read to her for a few moments, tell you about her holidays, or admire her games. When she feels valued and special, her patience with other kids increases. We have a dear friend named Scott, who Elise is infatuated with, because he ALWAYS listens to her like she is the most fascinating person, ever. He talks to her and gets her crackers. He is an adult, but he never fails to make her feel loved...and she is always on her best behavior when he is around, because she wants to make him "happy". And he always tries to translate her for his kids....which makes them less afraid of her, and more accepting. But he also never hesitates to tell her "no" if she is pushing limits.
Oh, and DO NOT FEED kids without their parents' okay...Charlotte is allergic to everything...and these allergies make her mouth swell and spiral out of emotional control. The last thing any parent needs is their child weeping in the floor over toilet paper because you were being "helpful" and didn't take 30 seconds to make sure someone was allowed to eat something. And yes, the toilet paper incident really did happen a few weeks ago. I pulled off 3 squares instead of 4 or 5 and Charlotte had the queen of all nutty fits... I am having tags and a shirt printed up for this year's holiday parties!
And if I get distracted and short-tempered, please love me anyway. I swear I will be nicer after the kids are in bed...or at least after the New Year...
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