Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Hissy Fit I Have Not Had

I am lightly hopped up on cold and flu medicine, so forgive the brutal honesty, the poor grammar and any bizarre spellings.

I have questioned the wisdom of posting this, but have decided that it is wiser than finishing my Holiday PSA post while in this questionably honest mindset.

I had a dream last night where I had several people announce that they were pregnant.  For some reason, several of these were public and involved crowds of people milling about offering their congratulations and the blushing mama said all the usual things...and in two cases, I reverted back to my old self and went apoplectic and verbally dressed them completely down for one of their comments...

Now, these things have been said 639 billion times...and I tend to react the in one of three ways about one of the pat answers...

"I don't care if it is a boy or girl, I only want a healthy baby."

Now, I know my reactions are colored by my own experiences...and I used to not think anything about that simple sentence, but these are the things that now go through my head:

1)  I sometimes only have a flicker of annoyance.  Like an annoying fly.  I know that health is important and something to be a matter of fact, I know more than most, what an amazing gift a traditional, healthy birth is...but if everything doesn't go according to plan, you are still a parent and you will still fall madly in love with the tiny person that you are suddenly and abruptly in charge of and it is still good and a blessing.

2)  Occasionally, when a friend confesses to wanting a particular gender, I have been taken with an overwhelming hope that they don't get their desire...not because I don't want them to be happy, but because I think they may be missing out on the Real Happiness, blessing and general awesomeness of:
                          a)  not missing out on a particular gender
                          b)  getting the life that you didn't plan for

And, sometimes, I think that the lack of perfection or health falls under "b".

I have a LOT of friends with kids with varying forms of disabilities.  Some disabilities are frustrating, some are difficult, some are heartbreaking, some are almost more than they can bear.  But, I can assure you, that NOT ONE would give their kid back.  All of us would love to see our kids not struggle, and we certainly would love an easier path for ourselves.  But I have never spoken to a parent, that, if given a choice of their child with all their heinously glorious issues, or to never have them, would choose to have never had their child.

Everyone can speak to SOME blessing that they received in their path, no matter how difficult. 

3)  And every once and a while, I am taken with a mind-numbing black rage in which I feel their comment as a scorn against my baby.

I am taken with the full on crazy obsession that my baby, no matter how far outside the norm, is the most delicious specimen of babyhood, toddler hood, childhood, or adolescence there ever there was....and sometimes, when I hear that off the cuff comment, I want to tear your throat out for even thinking that my precious isn't worth having...that you wouldn't want my baby, my life, my experience...   NOW, I know rationally, that even with a perfect child, you probably don't want my kid, BUT in my eyes, I love my child and I wouldn't trade them for ANY OTHER CHILD, ever.  And if the idea even flits through your mind that you won't think the same of your child, no matter the lack of perfection, that breaks my heart.
Consider that every child is the possibility of...everything...
And that's somehow always worth the price.

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